Thursday, May 28, 2009

Does being apart make heart grow fonder?

This post is actually in view of partners who recently got married, young and ambitious but both are miles apart. So does this physical and emotional separation signals a problem marriage? Right now I have many of my friends and cousins who are doing jobs being at different locations. Why friends and cousins, I am myself a victim of this.

In my view this could be a tough situation to handle and it would be one of the top ranked in stress factors for marriage. But still in this competitive world many couples have to endure and embrace separation positively before they can somehow set up home together. This is just not only in IT that I have seen but also in government jobs where husband and wife work in different departments and get different postings. Everybody in this situation struggle to move authorities for a common posting, which even Swetha is doing. We have been seeing that the phenomenon of the absent spouse does affect many marriages. It could be an IT job or a Govt job or a Merchant Navy or Military, everywhere we see people encountering this situation.

I am married and I had to leave my wife on the 7th day after marriage. The rituals were on until the last minute and we hardly had the time to meet up. In fact we could not enjoy our engagement together as I was in Singapore during that time. Ever since our marriage got settled for 4 months we directly met during the week of the marriage and then it was 7 days of togetherness. During this time also we were surrounded by people most of the times. There was no honeymoon nor did we go anywhere to spend sometime. I am sure Swetha would have some questions in her mind like - was there a true celebration within me? was I really happy to be married to my dream man at that point of time?

Though it was a matter of just two months when Swetha visited Singapore for 15 days, I found it so difficult. Now again its been 2 more months that we are separated. After you have lived together, any absence is really hard to bear. I can say that it would be more difficult for the girl than the boy. Spouse’s absence after marriage is different from being far from her before marriage. While love letters and phone calls can console you and keep you going when you are engaged, you really miss the person you are married to much more deeply. I felt that happening with Swetha more than me.

As Swetha is still staying with my parents I don't think the I will ever come across the following situation. A physical absence would also affect while taking the responsibility and commitment which is the next stage for marriage. Let it be paying the bills to grooming the children. It is hard for any couple to plan and conceive a child if they are meeting only once in a few months. I don't think anybody would plan for a child when wife is alone and leave the whole difficulty of pregnancy and parenting all by herself. If husband is absent for long periods then wife becomes so self-sufficient and independent that she will be having problems re-adjusting to the husband as the ‘head of the house’ and do the things in his way. At the same time the boy who has been planning many things for the family would definitely want the things to go according to him.

Finally I would say that it is true that absence can make the heart grow fonder. Once we miss the person we love
we miss the presence which makes lot of difference
know about the relation's endearing qualities
remember all the things said and did together
All these things are bound to have an impact on us. This would make us think of our partner and we start appreciating each other for all those missed moments.
But at the same time absence can also weaken the bonds of marriage or relationship, by the challenges it throws in our paths. Much maturity and a genuine love and commitment towards our partners is needed to face such challenges.


Swetha said...

A Gap from beloved ones is imp to cherish living with you
but not as much as they learn to live without you .

Swetha said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Park said...


Welcome to global village life style. Coming from the background in which we grew up, it is and will always be difficult to accept a circumstance where husband and wife live apart for major part of he week, weeks, or months.

My first exposure to such lifestyles was after I left India. It is very interesting to see globe trotting couples who meet 3 to 4 times a month, couples actually settled in 2 different states and actaully meet only a couple of times in a month, and YES couples( I know 1 case) who live in "different countries" , since both of them believe in in the causes they have taken up in their life. How about those couples who travel Mon to Thu or Fri every week, and have kids.

As a civilization we have moved away from a lifestyle where the man works and the woman takes care of the family. It had its own pros and cons. But have we moved on to an arrangement which is better and leads to a more stable marriage is a nice question.

Coming back to the topic you were discussing, YES a relationship divided by physical distance can have poetry, romance and its own fragrance to it. How long you can stretch this saga of poetry is the question, which I guess will depend on how you define your relationship with the other person.

One solution which I have seen has always worked is, for one of the spouses to quit their job, move with the other person and look for a job. If being together is the top most priority then one would tread this path.

In my example, I have lucrative opportunities currently, which can pay me almost 2 times what I'm making now, "but" I have to travel Mon-Thu. Doesnt work, since I have only 9 and 10 years only respectively before my 2 daughters go to college, and they will never be this age again. Hence, I will have to give up the extra money. Painful but what I'm getting in return is more valuable "TIME WITH MY LITTLE ONES AND FAMILY AS A WHOLE"

Quite a heavy topic to start my Saturday, but nice one. Will try to call you this morning if possible.

Keep the blog going.

Good wishes, and forgive me for any typos or grammatical mistakes.

Anonymous said...


You are very true, what i feel is...

Give people time to miss you, but don't make it that long, that they learn to live without!

I feel its applicable for all the relations!! wat say?

Pradnya Shetye said...

Nice though babbu.... :)

Anonymous said...

Many people are in this situation, including myself. It's tough but I cope with support. This website is great for that